Unconditional Love

In Memory of Carlos Alves - 1970 - 1988

Carlos Alves was a wonderful man whom I was blessed to have shared 4 years of my life with. Carlos lived on the same dairy my aunt lived in. So I would go over and visit frequently throughout the year. At first I was interested in his older brother, but nothing ever came of that. Carlos and I were always good friends.

Then on August 13, 1984, Mind you I was 12 years old and Carlos was 13, were were playing hide and seek with some of the kids on the dairy. We had a lot of fun. Towards the end of then night, Carlos asked me if I had a boyfriend, (we lived 3 hours apart from eachother) I said no, and he asked if he could be my boyfriend, and ofcorse I said yes!! We were so young, but so into eachother.

My aunt Emily had told me that Carlos knew we (my parents and I) were coming up for a visit that weekend. Carlos worked at the dairy on the weekends when he wasn't in school, and would go to work at 6:00am. That morning, Carlos had gotten up and sat in the truck waiting for the guys to go to work at 5:00am because he was waiting for me to get there. I thought that was so CUTE and I had no idea that he was interested in me until that afternoon.

Anyways, that night, after I had gone back to my aunt's house and Carlos had gone home, my aunt and I were in the kitchen washing dishes. We had had chicken that night, and I remember putting my aunts hair up in a pony tail on top of her head and sticking the chicken bone through the pony tail to make her look like Pebble Flintstone. It was so funny!! But to top it off, she went outside and got a flower, so I put the flower in the middle of the pony tail. We didn't know the flower had bugs until all of a sudden, we see them crawling on her head. GROSS, but HELLA FUNNY!! When all this fiasco was going on, Carlos was outside watching us (me) the whole time. Poor guy, he must have been thinking, what the hell are they doing. I'm sure he was cracking up.

Well, the next day, we had to go back to Los Angeles, where I lived and I had to leave my new boyfriend behind.

Since Carlos and I were so young, we didn't want our families to know we had gotten into a relationship. So Carlos used to write me love letters, and give them to my aunt Emily to send to me. I still remember the first letter I ever received. It said:

"Hello Aldiva,

How is school? School here is fine. I miss you and can't wait to see you again.

Love,

Carlos"

Simple and sweet, yet has managed to stay with me all these years.

I would inturn send my love letters to him addressed to my Aunt and she would deliver them to him for me.

When we would visit, Carlos and I would go riding his 3 wheeler (back then, quads weren't as popular" and always try to find a spot to be together and hold hands or just cuddle. Carlos was VERY shy, it took him 2 1/2 years to give me my first kiss. Talk about tension, but so worth the wait.

I remember, it was the summer vacation my parents let me stay with my aunt Emily and her husband then, now ex husband, was very protective and wouldn't let me and Carlos be alone together. So, when my uncle would come home and sleep during the day, I would meet up with Carlos and we would spend time together.

There was a day, we went to play in the cotton bin. Ofcorse we were holding eachother and talking, and Carlos FINALLY gave me my first kiss!!! And naturally we made out in the cotton bin. (remember, we were on a dairy) Talk about wonderful. I was so excited and so was he. After that, he would kiss me all the time. I remember my aunt coming home from work that day, and asking me where I had been. I told her no where, but there was the evidence of the cotton down my pants. LOL oh well, it was so worth it.

That same summer, my aunt threw me a birthday party, which pissed off my uncle, but who cares lol, and Carlos and I danced together. He never did have good rhythm, but I didn't care. I would dance with him till eternity.

My aunt, my friend Lucy and Lena, and I all composed a dance to a play that summer. And towards the end of the summer, the neighbor Gilbert, who is also my aunts husbands brother, had a party at his house. During the party, all four of us performed and everyone loved it. Carlos who was shy was really proud of me. Gilbert taped that day, and I wish I could get a hold of it. Those were some good times.

I went back home at the end of the summer, and now Carlos and I began calling eachother because we were older and Carlos finally got over his shyness. I loved it when the phone would ring and I would hear his sexy voice on the other end.

In May of 1988, my father finally moved us to Visalia. I was so excited because now I was only 30 minutes away from Carlos. Since my parents were so strick, Carlos and I would ditch school a lot to spend time together. We would go to the parks, go eat lunch, just hang out together.

On July 15, 1988 Carlos purchased a brand new 1988 Chevy Blazer. It was black with a grey stripe down the center. He was so proud and so excited, he came straight to my grandmothers house to show me his truck. I felt special because I was the first person he thought of to share in his joy.

That summer we went to Clovis Lakes (now known as Wild Water Adventures) with his family. It was the first time my parents ever allowed me to go somewhere with him, but them again, his parents were with us so what could go wrong. We had so much fun. Went on all the water slides. Carlos made me go down the black hole, which scared me to death, and I remember when I came out I have a major murphy!!!! He was laughing at me. It was funny. That day was truely one to remember, I was sad when it was over. Carlos just always took care of me and loved me so much.

When the school year started, of corse the ditching started. lol We started going to a field behind Mooney's Grove. We would just hang out in the blazer and talk, cuddle, make out. Every moment was so precious.

There was one time we were at the park, in the back of his blazer, just making out, all of a sudden, we look over our shoulders, and there's this old man with his face pressed against the window watching us. Talk about freaky!! Carlos got so mad, he went outside to tell the man off but the man had disappeared. So we went back behind the park to the field.

Now mind you, Carlos and I have never made love. By this time we had been together over 4 years, and we had plans to get engaged Valentines Day 1989, and get married in 1991. We had our hole lives planned and ready for us. But God had a different plan.

A few days after Thanksgiving, Carlos and I were making out again at the same place, tension was high, and he wanted to make love. I told him no because I didn't want to get blood all over his blazer (we were both still virgins) and he didn't have a towel. So we made plans to make love the following Thursday, December 8, 1988.

On Saturday, December 3, 1988, Carlos and I spoke on the phone around 8pm. He told his co-worker Tony that he would go and push in the hay for him so he could go to a party with his wife that night. Carlos had to go because he had to go pray the Rosary with his family, (they did that every night) and then go push in the hay. His last words to me were "I love you"

The next morning, Sunday, December 4, 1988, My dad came to wake me up at 6:00am. He tells me "Carlos was in a really bad accident last night, you need to wake up" I said "Today is not April Fools day, Carlos is at home safely in bed, I just spoke with him last night" My dad said, "Aldiva, the doctors don't think he's going to make it", and I said, "Dad, stop messing with me, I know Carlos is fine", so I called Carlos's house and spoke with his brother Elder, and I said, "Elder, where is Carlos?", Elder Said, "He was in an accident and we don't know if he's going to make it" Oh My God, my world was just turned upside down!!!

I began freaking out. At this time I was already 16 and had my drivers license. I wanted to go to the dairy at that moment. My dad wouldn't let me drive because I was so upset, and he told me my aunt Emily was on her way to come pick me up. I tell you what, that 30 minute drive felt like it took her 3 hours to come pick me up.

When my aunt arrived at my house, she put her arms around me, and said, "Aldiva, Carlos is dead" and I was like "Don't play with me, what's really going on", and she said "he's gone, he's dead" My aunt had brought Carlos's younger sister with her and I looked at Delma and I asked her "is this true Delma, is Carlos dead" and Delma began crying and said, "yes Aldiva, he's dead"

I broke from my aunts arms, ran to my room, and began tearing down all my posters that were on my walls and my books that were on my shelves and I ran back into the kitchen and told my aunt, take me to the dairy RIGHT NOW!! I tell ya, my aunt couldn't get there fast enough for me. I was like, "get out of the car, and let me drive!!" Ofcorse no one would let me drive in my state of mind.

I get to the dairy and go to resevoir where they think Carlos's body is in. I see the John Deer Forklift half way in the resevoir and Carlos is no where to be found. At first when Carlos didn't come home, his family thought he came to see me in the middle of the night, but then they saw that his blazer was still parked in the garage, and they knew something was wrong. Carlos's dad and older brother Manuel, went to go look for Carlos in the middle of the night, and that's when they saw the tracktor in the resevoir.

For those of you who don't know what a resevoir is, it's where all the cow's urine and manuer go, into a huge man made pit that has acid in it.

All day Sunday I spent sitting down near the resevoir, just looking at the dirty water, hoping that Carlos was not in there.

On Monday, December 5th, 1988, The resuce squad finally came out to find Carlos's Body. They drew a line from end to end on the resvoir with a hook on it trying to find Carlos. Alas, the hook brought Carlos out of the resevoir. Luckily the hook got Carlos's sweater and didn't hurt his body

I wasn't there when they found him, No one in the family would tell me that he had been found. Until I was walking and crying to one of my friends and she slipped that they had found Carlos and the Coroner's office had already taken his body away for an autopsy.

I ran into Carlos's home and asked if it were true, did they find his body? His mother told me yes, it's true, I just broke down crying. Carlos had photos in his room of the two of us and I just kept sitting on his bed, holding on to a shirt of his, and staring at the photos. I had lost the one man who has ever loved me unconditionally.

His brother told me when they took Carlos's body out of the water, that his eyes were open, his mouth was open, and his arms and hands were positioned like he was trying to reach for the surface. Even though I didn't see him come out of the water, I still have this image in my mind.

His brothers went down to the coroner's office and went to see Carlos after the autopsy. They said they cut him like a Y on his chest. The autopsy report shows that he died before he hit the water because he must have jerked back when he felt he was falling into the water and hit a main vein in the back of his neck which killed him.

A few days later we went to the viewing, and I just kept looking at Carlos, crying, holding his hands, stroking his hair, feeling his face, wishing I could breathe life back into him. I had 2 necklaces made that were shaped like a key, and on the key's had our names on it. Carlos used to wear the key with my name on it, and I would wear the key with his name on it. Basically it was the key to our hearts.

Carlos was burried with key that had my name on it around his neck.

Now mind you, this happened 18 years ago, but in my mind, it just happened yesterday. I'm still in love with Carlos like I was back then. I still cry for him all the time, I have a picture from his tombstone that I post everywhere to keep his memory alive.

My biggest regret till this day is that I didn't make love to him before he died. I wish I would have had his child because atleast a part of him would still be alive today.

Carlos will always be a part of me and my life and I will love him until the end of time.